Closing up

And once again, I've managed to mess up everything, lost everything dear to me. For the first time in my life, I've drawn inside, not wanting to share my hurt with anyone else, and ended up hurting people further. I know I'm not a good person. I've failed as a friend, a girlfriend, and for a change, even as a student. I couldnt manage anything, and hurt the very people who loved me the most. Closing up, shutting everyone down didnt work at all, but instead landed me here, where I've got nothing to do but apologise. Every time, every single time I've turned selfish, it has backfired on me. Yesterday, in the rain, I felt as if all my troubles would wash away if I stood out for a long time. But, nothing happened. Instead, I fucked up the only thing that is keeping me sane. The only person who loves me unconditionaly. I want to make things okay but dont know how. I dont know how to do anything anymore. So, I go back to closing up. Maybe, this way, I'll hurt fewer people, and make their lives easier.