Its new year, folks.

Another year goes past.

Most people expect this post to be a looking into the past year kinda post, but nope, isnt about that this time. More or less, its as usual, about this stupid boy I've given my heart to.

I push him out of the house for the party, I tell him to stay put, I all in all bully him into  "liking" the party, but when he's gone, all I want is for him to be back. Whenever he comes back for me, I pretend to be angry, and scold him for not socialising enough. But, truth be told, that's what I'm always wishing for. Him with me. 

I push him because its good for him, and I dont want to be selfish. But that doesnt mean I've to like it. :P

Its new years again, and once again, I'm alone. Not miserable, though.

He will come back before midnight, hai na?

The special day

Today, for a change, was a very special day for me. I went to his home, and loved it there. It almost felt like my home. His mom was awesome, much like I expected, prettier than I thought. His dad, well, he talks less, and I'm a bit scared of him, but I'm sure he's nice, and fun to be with, in general. His kid brother, was EXACTLY how I imagined him. Full of life, energy, and just ultimate fun. A kid, by all means. Exactly like me. :P

And then there was him, by my side the entire time, supporting me, helping him, telling me that I'm doing good. Stealing kisses when no one was looking, and trying to play footsie under the table. Flirting with Aditi because he KNEW how much it annoyed me, and just being him all the time. He was perfect.

But then, so was the house, right? It felt like a home, with the low seating in front of the tv that I love, and just the entire atmosphere. I fell in love with it, sortve like I fell in love with mami's house. But then again, I really liked the people inside it, how could I not like the house? xD

So, special day, big day for me. I'm trying to calm myself down by writing this blog, by ridding myself of the need to talk about the day, but I'm not sure if it'll work.

I love you baby, and I love your home as much.

Coming home.

Coming back after a break of around 3 days, I expected to be refreshed, but am not. Same old dad yelling at me to study, no mum back yet ( For a change, I'm NOT thankful for that) and the same old life. I'd thought that I would miss home, and be happy to be back but the only thing I'm actually happy about is being back to you. Maybe home IS where the heart is. Even though we fight like cats and dogs, every two days, we know, that we're all that either of us has. 

Both, have different homes, different families, different friends, different likes and dislikes, and different, even clashing personalities, but, at the end of the day, we're everything for each other. We're lost without the other being at our side, watching us, and how much ever we fight, we know that we wont even know how to move on without the other. Both of us are so woven into each other, that now its tough to say where one ends and the other begins. We're each others parents, kids, doctors, enemies, but, above all, we're best friends. We know the other's flaws like the back of our hands, and yet, we continue being with the other person, because flaws do not make a person bad, they just make him more human. If we were to list our differences, we wouldnt find a paper long enough, but our similarities begin and end at the fact that we love each other a lot.

This para was concieved while sitting in the bus, looking out of the window and tightly hugging pintu

Unrequited love

Unrequited love. Does it really exist? Or maybe its just another way to hurt yourself more, to delude yourself, and help to see ourselves as tragic heroes or heroines in our mind's eye. No doubt, it hurts, but as a question once put up by my darling ex, "Is it really love if its one sided?" Now, as prone as I am to disagree with whatever he says, but for once, he actually had a point. Love, as we know it, has to be from both sides. One sided love is either a crush, or a major infatuation.

Going through the same motions as my topic suggests for about a year, I think I know a decent amount on the subject. It's a time when you carefully look for signs that the other person loves you, and sometimes if you dont find them, you create them. You wish so hard, that at times you actually start believing your wishes.

One sided love, most of the times, ends in a heartbreak. Almost all the people going through these feelings undergo a period of extreme hatred followed by a mellowing down of emotions. With time, we learn to laugh about it, but the hurt takes a long time to go away. The best thing that one can do in such a situation is to accept the facts and move on. I know it seems really hard at first, but hey, you gotta do it sometime.

One of the WORST things you can do is be "best friends" with the person you love. Who are you fooling, there is nothing "friendly" about the way you feel about him/her. Trust me, doesnt work. If anything, hurts more, and the person you love, starts taking you for granted. Been there, done that buddy. Distancing yourself is the only thing that helps, provided you have enough things to hide behind and an awesome friend system. Its important to feel comfortable and warm, and to understand that life can function normally, even without that person.

So, my friends, stay away from unrequited love, because in the end, the only person getting hurt is you.

Is love enough?

The last time, I talked about love, and what it meant for me and a few others. But this time, lets talk in continuation to that, is love enough? We love a lot of people, and say I love you, without really meaning it. But lets ignore all the times you said "I love you, man" to someone for getting you a cup of coffee. Lets talk about the times you really mean it, and love someone with all your heart. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? Is it right that every time one goofs up, you say "I love you" and hope everything will be fine again?

There is no set answer to this question, no correct answer. Like everything related with love, it is subjective, and means different things for different people. And as usual, I speak just for me when I say, no, it isn't enough. Yes, loving is a huge part of a relationship, integral even, but is it every thing? Nope. Respect for one another, listening to one another, trusting one another, and even liking one another is a major part of any relationship. Ofcourse, many of you might say that when you love a person all this comes naturally, but many a times it doesn't. We need to work for it. And, I'm sure all of you agree, that when we love a person, we accept him/her WITH his faults. But do you agree with his faults? Does it make those faults more appealing to you? I doubt. Ofcourse, you dont mind them in your partner, but do you not mind them in the world? Yes, maybe you do.

Love binds us, but it takes a lot of work to hold a relationship together. So yeah, at the risk of sounding like a debate, love isnt enough, not until coupled with respect and understanding, with a little sprinkling of the ability to listen.

P.S. This idea was conceived of my Chirag Jain, my awesome friend, and I just embroidered it a bit. I dont intend to steal, no way. :P

love, and its definitions.

Come, let me tell you a little secret. Tofu, is in love with a boy. But, what is love? Is it staying up nights talking and giggling just because you want to? Or is it helping him out with his project, because you want the best for him? Or probably it is waiting for his phonecall, and missing him all the time you arent talking to him or texting him. Or maybe, its none of this, and its an illusion created by marketeers to sell more chocolate ice-creams. :P

To me, love is trust, faith, unconditional belief in a person, which gets shaken only with some difficulty. Now, I agree, most people view love differently, and maybe they're right. Love is subjective, after all.

So, whatever maybe the definition of love to her, and whether her love believes it or not, she loves him. Unconditionally, the way a puppy loves his master. And she will continue loving him long after he is gone. Left her, not dead, that is. :P

Love, is unexplainable.

Hurting, at times. :P

Someone once said, " The only people who can hurt you are the people you give that power to". I had honestly thought whatever power I had given to you, was taken back, but no, you still have the power to hurt me even when you dont try. Things arent the same again, the way they were in 11th grade. My entire friend circle has changed, if I have one anymore, that is. xD People have started drifting apart, or maybe its just me. But, whatever be the case, I'm just not friends with the same people anymore. And it hurts, at times, but then again, I'm to blame, for most things.

I try to be good. A good student, debater, quizzer, friend, girlfriend, daughter and a good human being. But lately, all this has been getting to me. "Its too much!", my mind says in a whiny little voice, reminiscent of a certain someone. :P

I've stayed up nights, talking to you about YOUR dreams, YOUR goals, trying to be your support throughout. But probably it would have helped if I were a bitch to you, and hotter, probably. Maybe, that would get you to run behind me the way you do to her. I've done a lot in the past year, and I'm done. Finished. I just cant run behind people anymore. I'm tired. I just, want someone to look after me for a change. And god knows I have found that person. I'm just, not going to leave him now.

So life is mixed my friends, for one good thing, at times you have to give up a lot of others, which turns out to be bad.

But then, that is life.

Closing up

And once again, I've managed to mess up everything, lost everything dear to me. For the first time in my life, I've drawn inside, not wanting to share my hurt with anyone else, and ended up hurting people further. I know I'm not a good person. I've failed as a friend, a girlfriend, and for a change, even as a student. I couldnt manage anything, and hurt the very people who loved me the most. Closing up, shutting everyone down didnt work at all, but instead landed me here, where I've got nothing to do but apologise. Every time, every single time I've turned selfish, it has backfired on me. Yesterday, in the rain, I felt as if all my troubles would wash away if I stood out for a long time. But, nothing happened. Instead, I fucked up the only thing that is keeping me sane. The only person who loves me unconditionaly. I want to make things okay but dont know how. I dont know how to do anything anymore. So, I go back to closing up. Maybe, this way, I'll hurt fewer people, and make their lives easier.

That rainy day

Water around everywhere. Holding a blue umbrella. Wading through the knee high water. Being drenched to the skin. Looking at him, cant stop giggling, shivering all the way through. Holding on to each other, inspite of our wetness. Trying to warm each other up. More water and tangled limbs. Sweat droplets mix with the rainwater and glisten. Raindrops trickling down our backs. Hands everywhere. Kisses, sometimes leisurely, sometimes urgent. Holding each other close, trying to make the other more comfortable. And then, slowly, warming up and the water evaporating. Coming close. Closer. But, time to go home honey. Goodbye kiss. And soon, nothing's the same again, other than this day.

May this day never go away.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, you don't know of a way to tell the people you love the most how much you actually love them. Sometimes, you just dont know if the decisions you're taking are right or wrong. Sometimes, you turn so selfish, that nobody else's hurt matters but yours. Sometimes, you find yourself incapable of giving back the love you recieve equally. Sometimes, you want to keep a little bit of it back for yourself, and save it for a rainy day. Sometimes, the truth hurts more than the lies. Sometimes, regret is so deep rooted in your heart that there isnt place for anything else. Sometimes, all the sorrys in the world arent enough. Sometimes, you want to know when you became that cold. Sometimes, you want to turn back the clock and change situations. And sometimes, just, sometimes, things get better, and the both of you emerge together, stronger this time.


I just wish that sometime comes soon.

Being a child and never growing up.

Just a few days ago, sitting in a class in vocab fiesta, we had a small discussion about the difference between being childish, and childlike. "What's the difference?", I wondered. Negative and positive connotations, I was told. Apparently, being childish is negative, while being childlike is a good thing. And this got me thinking, which of them am I, childlike, or childish?

I've been called a kid a lot, by nearly all people who know me well. And why not, after all I wave and get excited on seeing aeroplanes fly real low, get completely dripping wet in the rains intentionally, sing obscure bollywood songs just to annoy the hell out of others( Dil dance maare, anyone? xD), talk loudly and laugh even louder, and basically skip and dance around everywhere. And it is this, that keeps me sane at times, and happy almost all the time. People close to me know it, understand it, and tolerate it, if not actually like it at times.

I would want to call these sudden fits being childlike, others may call it my childishness, my refusal to grow up. But whatever it is, it has become a part and parcel of who I am, and me and my childishness come in a package deal, baby. :P


P.S. This blog was inspired by a person who likes calling me a kid at all times. xD

P.P.S. Also, I've begun to blog again, thanks to the same person. :)

Circle.

Funny, how life always comes back in a circle. I'm back again to the same place, wondering why you're angry at me, and what I've done wrong NOW. Listening to the same song that had almost become my anthem. And thinking why I let myself come back to this, why I let myself get drawn into it all. Why I let myself fall in love with you. Atleast, like you a lot. Why I'm stupid enough to let all this affect me, once again.

We all come back to where we started, I guess.

My ramblings.

And another day, and another urge to update this blog.

But what DO I write about? No real drama in my life at the moment, pretty much boring. So I think today I'm going to do a little soul searching.

What IS love? Too much has been written about it in novels, talked about in movies. So much so, that now when I say I "love" a person, it feels like hypocrisy. How do you know if you love a person? If you hang out with them a lot, like their company? But that holds true for a lot of people in my life, and I dont feel the same way about them. Where does one cross the line between a really good friend and a love? Or maybe you love all your good friends? But when do you start giving that ONE person so much importance, so much that you allow him to control what you're feeling?

A fight, and you're upset. A simple declaration of love, or some sweet words, and you're on 7th heaven. Why do we give someone else so much power over us, and trust them not to misuse it? Which, 9 times out of 10, people do. I've seen too many people messing with others minds, and yet I refuse to learn. Stupid, aint it? Love IS stupid, I guess. I realise I'm rambling now, but it feels nice to ramble, just to talk and talk, without caring if anyone else is listening or not.

But, I promise myself, no longer will you have the power to disturb me. One year was enough, no more.

Even if you take away my friends, I'll get them back. And one day, I'll move away from the shadow that is you.

Stupid Tofu.

I know a girl called Tofu. She does stupid things. Like forgetting things. Not getting her phone recharged even if she has the money. Not attending classes just for the heck of it. Fighting with her boyfriend over immaterial things. Getting annoyed when there is no reason to. Not paying attention to others feelings. Being too wrapped up in her own world. And times, going dumb, and not realising things. And she' sorry about all this. Very very sorry. And thankful too, at times, for people who understand her and tolerate her inspite of her stupidity. She loves them a lot, even though she sucks at showing it.

Tofu is a sucky girlfriend, and she's sorry for it.

First day at Singapore

This is something I wrote while at Singapore, my first day there. Just wanted to post it.

So I'm sitting here in my room at Singapore, in my pj's with Pintu at my side, and I cant help but feel awfully homesick. It's a new place, but that doesnt bother me, the distance from my friends does. I seems like a child, or worse a "sensitive" girl, who cries at every occasion. But I'm missinf everyone so much, from the useless conversations to just, being there. Maybe it's just because its my first day here and its been a long and tiring journey, or perhaps its even separation from the internet.

But most probably, its the not being able to tell someone all that you saw, share your annoyances and to take pleasure in your happiness. It's the he not being able to be there for him when he needs me the most. Or it's just, the distance. Oh god, all I want to do is read his typing, or listen to some lame joke that only he can crack. I wonder if he misses me as much, or maybe, not at all. Maybe he doesnt even realise I'm not there, wrapped up in his own life. Not that I blame him for that, infact that is what I hope, that he's happy in himself and doesnt bother about me. I can handle myself, he doesnt need to mess his exams for me.I dont even know why I care this much, its just that I do. Maybe, just, MAYBE, I am falling in love with him. Oh god, just let us prove we can handle the distance, that we CAN make it work.

And now, as I sleep with Pintu tightly curled in my arms, I hope tomorrow will be better and everything will work out. Atleast, I hope so. And soon I'll be back, blabbing away about my day while you patiently listen, and make me laugh, once again.

I want to tell you about the awful strawberry drink I had in the morning, how I almost fainted from the lack of food. About how beautiful Singapore is at times, and how things dont fit because there is no you. How sparse my room is, and how bad the food is. And, most of all, how my eyes are blurry and my tears are smudging the pages. Or, maybe not that.

First day in Singapore, and I'm terribly homesick.

My current life

Been a few days, and life seems to be pretty much on track. A new boyfriend, 12th grade and the Singapore exchange. Not to mention the badge I cared so much about. And everything seems to be good. Atleast on the surface. Not to say I am not happy with 12th grade, or my boyfriend (who, btw, is ABSOLUTELY awesome, best one I could ever have). But yet, I am not as happy as I can be. Maybe its just the day. Or maybe its because of "discussions" with too many people. Whichever it is, I find myself unable to come out of the cycle I was in always in. She's right, I DO tend to get too involved in lives. And then find it tough to come out. I should really not care about him anymore, but I do. And that creates another moral dilemma.

Bleh, I just need to get over all this mess, and fast. I wish I do.

In fond memory of, Brutus.

I didnt even get to know you that well, just could hear you in the background. You were there, listening to all mine and Arjun's mad mad mad conversations, barking a little when Arjun didnt pay you too much attention. I used to be a little jealous of you when he showered too much love, but then I guess you deserved it.

I wish we could've met.

Rest in peace, Brutus baby.

Lies.

Why does one lie? One lie to save our skin, to save oneself from embarassment, or save unecessary questions. But when none of them is the case, why then?

I thought we were friends enough, close enough, to spare each other the unecessary lies. Small, pointless white lies, but lies none the less. And lies hurt. Well, sometimes. It just, makes me lose faith in things even more.

I dont ask for anything, just the truth. And you PROMISED me I would get that, the whole and plain truth. This lie isnt enough to make me actually doubt you, but something inside me went off.

I still trust you, though.

You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend I have to break your heart
Tell you that I love you and tear your world apart
Just pretend I didnt tear your world apart

But I did, didn't I?

I am just tired. Tired of all the fights, repeated explanations, everything. WHY is it so difficult to understand if I dont want to go to a certain place? WHY does everything have to become an ego tussle? Its always " You wouldve done it had it been him". Where does he come in between? I am trying, I am trying so hard to keep everything separate, keep both of them happy, including myself. But no, that isnt possible. Its either her or him. All I want is to be happy, without having to worry about these everyday fights, everything.

All I want is my peace of mind, that's all.