Dissatisfaction

Firstly, lets start with some of the things that give this blog its name, my famous rants.

So, my waist hurts,(is that the right word for it? well replace it with any version of "kamar" you prefer) and I have tests going on, continuously. Pissing me off, as I dont even do well in them. Hah.

Having finished with that, lets come to the point. Are we, as humans, ever satisfied? We get something, we want more. Like Maslow's Motivation Theory(Forgive me, too much BST. -_-). So, like all the others, I want something more. Lately, or more specifically yesterday, I realised how much I miss my male friends. Not in the romantic sense, but just in the lighthearted, bitchy sense. Making fun of others, talking about booze and stupid girls, all in all just the feeling of being "one of the guys" I'd begun to take for granted. I've NEVER looked at them romantically, and neither have they, I am sure. But being in a serious relationship sortve reminds you that you dont really have a right to that. You arent supposed to want the company of other males, your boyfriend should be enough. And enough he is. He is all my romantic side needs. He's a friend, a good lover, caring, everything. But I miss the carefree times, when I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and didnt have to worry about it hurting someone else.

I want my boyfriend AND my male friends, is that wanting too much? :(

I ramble, yet again.

I mean to write more often, really. But then, life doesnt always let you do what you mean to, right?

I mean to make him happy, I really do, but I dont. I mean to do well in my studies, I really do, but I dont. I mean to be a good friend, but, yep, you guessed it, I dont.

I am an attention whore, as I discovered yesterday. I like attention. I want people telling me that they like me, maybe because I dont have confidence in myself? When he's with me, he's all I need, truly. But when he's upset, I find myself whoring myself to the world. He's right, I am a slut. Emotional, perhaps, because the physicality of things doesnt interest me. Never has. Ohwell, except when I'm with him. He takes out the other side of me, one which I didnt know existed. One which makes me moan with pleasure, and blush at suggestive remarks. But we're moving away from the topic.

I'm not good for him, and it doesnt take a genius to figure that out. I dont treat him right, the way he should be treated, and I doubt if I can ever become the "girl" he wants me to be. I'm not the typical girl. But I am selfish, and I wont give him up. I wont let him go away, go to someone else who might see how wonderful he is, and how he is perfect in every way possible. In intellect, in care and in bed. Every way.

Maybe if I try, you know, I can become that girl he wants, and loves. His little baby. And god knows I will try, because the future I see with him, is too much to give up. I can give up everything in my life, but a chance at future, that life. I know I'm probably too young, but when have I not planned for the future, eh?

This train of though is not coherent in any form, it just gives me a chance to write, or type, in this case. Just put into words what my mind is saying, so that it doesnt burst.

You'll take me back like you always do, wont you baby?