Closing up

And once again, I've managed to mess up everything, lost everything dear to me. For the first time in my life, I've drawn inside, not wanting to share my hurt with anyone else, and ended up hurting people further. I know I'm not a good person. I've failed as a friend, a girlfriend, and for a change, even as a student. I couldnt manage anything, and hurt the very people who loved me the most. Closing up, shutting everyone down didnt work at all, but instead landed me here, where I've got nothing to do but apologise. Every time, every single time I've turned selfish, it has backfired on me. Yesterday, in the rain, I felt as if all my troubles would wash away if I stood out for a long time. But, nothing happened. Instead, I fucked up the only thing that is keeping me sane. The only person who loves me unconditionaly. I want to make things okay but dont know how. I dont know how to do anything anymore. So, I go back to closing up. Maybe, this way, I'll hurt fewer people, and make their lives easier.

That rainy day

Water around everywhere. Holding a blue umbrella. Wading through the knee high water. Being drenched to the skin. Looking at him, cant stop giggling, shivering all the way through. Holding on to each other, inspite of our wetness. Trying to warm each other up. More water and tangled limbs. Sweat droplets mix with the rainwater and glisten. Raindrops trickling down our backs. Hands everywhere. Kisses, sometimes leisurely, sometimes urgent. Holding each other close, trying to make the other more comfortable. And then, slowly, warming up and the water evaporating. Coming close. Closer. But, time to go home honey. Goodbye kiss. And soon, nothing's the same again, other than this day.

May this day never go away.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, you don't know of a way to tell the people you love the most how much you actually love them. Sometimes, you just dont know if the decisions you're taking are right or wrong. Sometimes, you turn so selfish, that nobody else's hurt matters but yours. Sometimes, you find yourself incapable of giving back the love you recieve equally. Sometimes, you want to keep a little bit of it back for yourself, and save it for a rainy day. Sometimes, the truth hurts more than the lies. Sometimes, regret is so deep rooted in your heart that there isnt place for anything else. Sometimes, all the sorrys in the world arent enough. Sometimes, you want to know when you became that cold. Sometimes, you want to turn back the clock and change situations. And sometimes, just, sometimes, things get better, and the both of you emerge together, stronger this time.


I just wish that sometime comes soon.

Being a child and never growing up.

Just a few days ago, sitting in a class in vocab fiesta, we had a small discussion about the difference between being childish, and childlike. "What's the difference?", I wondered. Negative and positive connotations, I was told. Apparently, being childish is negative, while being childlike is a good thing. And this got me thinking, which of them am I, childlike, or childish?

I've been called a kid a lot, by nearly all people who know me well. And why not, after all I wave and get excited on seeing aeroplanes fly real low, get completely dripping wet in the rains intentionally, sing obscure bollywood songs just to annoy the hell out of others( Dil dance maare, anyone? xD), talk loudly and laugh even louder, and basically skip and dance around everywhere. And it is this, that keeps me sane at times, and happy almost all the time. People close to me know it, understand it, and tolerate it, if not actually like it at times.

I would want to call these sudden fits being childlike, others may call it my childishness, my refusal to grow up. But whatever it is, it has become a part and parcel of who I am, and me and my childishness come in a package deal, baby. :P


P.S. This blog was inspired by a person who likes calling me a kid at all times. xD

P.P.S. Also, I've begun to blog again, thanks to the same person. :)

Circle.

Funny, how life always comes back in a circle. I'm back again to the same place, wondering why you're angry at me, and what I've done wrong NOW. Listening to the same song that had almost become my anthem. And thinking why I let myself come back to this, why I let myself get drawn into it all. Why I let myself fall in love with you. Atleast, like you a lot. Why I'm stupid enough to let all this affect me, once again.

We all come back to where we started, I guess.

My ramblings.

And another day, and another urge to update this blog.

But what DO I write about? No real drama in my life at the moment, pretty much boring. So I think today I'm going to do a little soul searching.

What IS love? Too much has been written about it in novels, talked about in movies. So much so, that now when I say I "love" a person, it feels like hypocrisy. How do you know if you love a person? If you hang out with them a lot, like their company? But that holds true for a lot of people in my life, and I dont feel the same way about them. Where does one cross the line between a really good friend and a love? Or maybe you love all your good friends? But when do you start giving that ONE person so much importance, so much that you allow him to control what you're feeling?

A fight, and you're upset. A simple declaration of love, or some sweet words, and you're on 7th heaven. Why do we give someone else so much power over us, and trust them not to misuse it? Which, 9 times out of 10, people do. I've seen too many people messing with others minds, and yet I refuse to learn. Stupid, aint it? Love IS stupid, I guess. I realise I'm rambling now, but it feels nice to ramble, just to talk and talk, without caring if anyone else is listening or not.

But, I promise myself, no longer will you have the power to disturb me. One year was enough, no more.

Even if you take away my friends, I'll get them back. And one day, I'll move away from the shadow that is you.

Stupid Tofu.

I know a girl called Tofu. She does stupid things. Like forgetting things. Not getting her phone recharged even if she has the money. Not attending classes just for the heck of it. Fighting with her boyfriend over immaterial things. Getting annoyed when there is no reason to. Not paying attention to others feelings. Being too wrapped up in her own world. And times, going dumb, and not realising things. And she' sorry about all this. Very very sorry. And thankful too, at times, for people who understand her and tolerate her inspite of her stupidity. She loves them a lot, even though she sucks at showing it.

Tofu is a sucky girlfriend, and she's sorry for it.