Dissatisfaction

Firstly, lets start with some of the things that give this blog its name, my famous rants.

So, my waist hurts,(is that the right word for it? well replace it with any version of "kamar" you prefer) and I have tests going on, continuously. Pissing me off, as I dont even do well in them. Hah.

Having finished with that, lets come to the point. Are we, as humans, ever satisfied? We get something, we want more. Like Maslow's Motivation Theory(Forgive me, too much BST. -_-). So, like all the others, I want something more. Lately, or more specifically yesterday, I realised how much I miss my male friends. Not in the romantic sense, but just in the lighthearted, bitchy sense. Making fun of others, talking about booze and stupid girls, all in all just the feeling of being "one of the guys" I'd begun to take for granted. I've NEVER looked at them romantically, and neither have they, I am sure. But being in a serious relationship sortve reminds you that you dont really have a right to that. You arent supposed to want the company of other males, your boyfriend should be enough. And enough he is. He is all my romantic side needs. He's a friend, a good lover, caring, everything. But I miss the carefree times, when I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and didnt have to worry about it hurting someone else.

I want my boyfriend AND my male friends, is that wanting too much? :(

I ramble, yet again.

I mean to write more often, really. But then, life doesnt always let you do what you mean to, right?

I mean to make him happy, I really do, but I dont. I mean to do well in my studies, I really do, but I dont. I mean to be a good friend, but, yep, you guessed it, I dont.

I am an attention whore, as I discovered yesterday. I like attention. I want people telling me that they like me, maybe because I dont have confidence in myself? When he's with me, he's all I need, truly. But when he's upset, I find myself whoring myself to the world. He's right, I am a slut. Emotional, perhaps, because the physicality of things doesnt interest me. Never has. Ohwell, except when I'm with him. He takes out the other side of me, one which I didnt know existed. One which makes me moan with pleasure, and blush at suggestive remarks. But we're moving away from the topic.

I'm not good for him, and it doesnt take a genius to figure that out. I dont treat him right, the way he should be treated, and I doubt if I can ever become the "girl" he wants me to be. I'm not the typical girl. But I am selfish, and I wont give him up. I wont let him go away, go to someone else who might see how wonderful he is, and how he is perfect in every way possible. In intellect, in care and in bed. Every way.

Maybe if I try, you know, I can become that girl he wants, and loves. His little baby. And god knows I will try, because the future I see with him, is too much to give up. I can give up everything in my life, but a chance at future, that life. I know I'm probably too young, but when have I not planned for the future, eh?

This train of though is not coherent in any form, it just gives me a chance to write, or type, in this case. Just put into words what my mind is saying, so that it doesnt burst.

You'll take me back like you always do, wont you baby?

Loneliness or Solitude?

I'm alone, and not by choice.

My mother, fails to understand me, maybe, or just likes to remain angry. Whichever it is, I dont particularly aim to sort things out. Nope, don't feel like that.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, DEFINITELY doesn't understand. Or maybe he does, and cant control his emotions. Usually, I understand most things, but in this case, I don't. Maybe I'm more tolerant about things than he is. But yes, things I wouldn't consider wrong if he did it, aren't wrong if I do them. For sure.

Maybe I'll begin to enjoy the solitude.

Its new year, folks.

Another year goes past.

Most people expect this post to be a looking into the past year kinda post, but nope, isnt about that this time. More or less, its as usual, about this stupid boy I've given my heart to.

I push him out of the house for the party, I tell him to stay put, I all in all bully him into  "liking" the party, but when he's gone, all I want is for him to be back. Whenever he comes back for me, I pretend to be angry, and scold him for not socialising enough. But, truth be told, that's what I'm always wishing for. Him with me. 

I push him because its good for him, and I dont want to be selfish. But that doesnt mean I've to like it. :P

Its new years again, and once again, I'm alone. Not miserable, though.

He will come back before midnight, hai na?

The special day

Today, for a change, was a very special day for me. I went to his home, and loved it there. It almost felt like my home. His mom was awesome, much like I expected, prettier than I thought. His dad, well, he talks less, and I'm a bit scared of him, but I'm sure he's nice, and fun to be with, in general. His kid brother, was EXACTLY how I imagined him. Full of life, energy, and just ultimate fun. A kid, by all means. Exactly like me. :P

And then there was him, by my side the entire time, supporting me, helping him, telling me that I'm doing good. Stealing kisses when no one was looking, and trying to play footsie under the table. Flirting with Aditi because he KNEW how much it annoyed me, and just being him all the time. He was perfect.

But then, so was the house, right? It felt like a home, with the low seating in front of the tv that I love, and just the entire atmosphere. I fell in love with it, sortve like I fell in love with mami's house. But then again, I really liked the people inside it, how could I not like the house? xD

So, special day, big day for me. I'm trying to calm myself down by writing this blog, by ridding myself of the need to talk about the day, but I'm not sure if it'll work.

I love you baby, and I love your home as much.

Coming home.

Coming back after a break of around 3 days, I expected to be refreshed, but am not. Same old dad yelling at me to study, no mum back yet ( For a change, I'm NOT thankful for that) and the same old life. I'd thought that I would miss home, and be happy to be back but the only thing I'm actually happy about is being back to you. Maybe home IS where the heart is. Even though we fight like cats and dogs, every two days, we know, that we're all that either of us has. 

Both, have different homes, different families, different friends, different likes and dislikes, and different, even clashing personalities, but, at the end of the day, we're everything for each other. We're lost without the other being at our side, watching us, and how much ever we fight, we know that we wont even know how to move on without the other. Both of us are so woven into each other, that now its tough to say where one ends and the other begins. We're each others parents, kids, doctors, enemies, but, above all, we're best friends. We know the other's flaws like the back of our hands, and yet, we continue being with the other person, because flaws do not make a person bad, they just make him more human. If we were to list our differences, we wouldnt find a paper long enough, but our similarities begin and end at the fact that we love each other a lot.

This para was concieved while sitting in the bus, looking out of the window and tightly hugging pintu

Unrequited love

Unrequited love. Does it really exist? Or maybe its just another way to hurt yourself more, to delude yourself, and help to see ourselves as tragic heroes or heroines in our mind's eye. No doubt, it hurts, but as a question once put up by my darling ex, "Is it really love if its one sided?" Now, as prone as I am to disagree with whatever he says, but for once, he actually had a point. Love, as we know it, has to be from both sides. One sided love is either a crush, or a major infatuation.

Going through the same motions as my topic suggests for about a year, I think I know a decent amount on the subject. It's a time when you carefully look for signs that the other person loves you, and sometimes if you dont find them, you create them. You wish so hard, that at times you actually start believing your wishes.

One sided love, most of the times, ends in a heartbreak. Almost all the people going through these feelings undergo a period of extreme hatred followed by a mellowing down of emotions. With time, we learn to laugh about it, but the hurt takes a long time to go away. The best thing that one can do in such a situation is to accept the facts and move on. I know it seems really hard at first, but hey, you gotta do it sometime.

One of the WORST things you can do is be "best friends" with the person you love. Who are you fooling, there is nothing "friendly" about the way you feel about him/her. Trust me, doesnt work. If anything, hurts more, and the person you love, starts taking you for granted. Been there, done that buddy. Distancing yourself is the only thing that helps, provided you have enough things to hide behind and an awesome friend system. Its important to feel comfortable and warm, and to understand that life can function normally, even without that person.

So, my friends, stay away from unrequited love, because in the end, the only person getting hurt is you.