In fond memory of, Brutus.

I didnt even get to know you that well, just could hear you in the background. You were there, listening to all mine and Arjun's mad mad mad conversations, barking a little when Arjun didnt pay you too much attention. I used to be a little jealous of you when he showered too much love, but then I guess you deserved it.

I wish we could've met.

Rest in peace, Brutus baby.

Lies.

Why does one lie? One lie to save our skin, to save oneself from embarassment, or save unecessary questions. But when none of them is the case, why then?

I thought we were friends enough, close enough, to spare each other the unecessary lies. Small, pointless white lies, but lies none the less. And lies hurt. Well, sometimes. It just, makes me lose faith in things even more.

I dont ask for anything, just the truth. And you PROMISED me I would get that, the whole and plain truth. This lie isnt enough to make me actually doubt you, but something inside me went off.

I still trust you, though.

You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend I have to break your heart
Tell you that I love you and tear your world apart
Just pretend I didnt tear your world apart

But I did, didn't I?

I am just tired. Tired of all the fights, repeated explanations, everything. WHY is it so difficult to understand if I dont want to go to a certain place? WHY does everything have to become an ego tussle? Its always " You wouldve done it had it been him". Where does he come in between? I am trying, I am trying so hard to keep everything separate, keep both of them happy, including myself. But no, that isnt possible. Its either her or him. All I want is to be happy, without having to worry about these everyday fights, everything.

All I want is my peace of mind, that's all.

Still sitting in Mumbai, I just planned a Christmas party, and had a lot of fun doing that. Running around wearing a christmas hat, calling myself "Santa's helper" made me happy. Really happy, somewhere deep inside. I felt, and not for the first time, that THIS was how I wanted my family to be, my house to be. Everything here, at mami's place seems perfect, just as I like it. Not having to worry about money, atleast not about small things, being able to give an impromptu party, being able to buy something when you like it without thinking 5 times. And hopefully, at some point of time, I will reach that too.

Apart from that, coming to my personal life, I am quite falling into the role of a girlfriend which I was in the not too recent past. Its comfortable, without too much stress on my part. This is what I wanted, I needed, a fling, right? Wrong. Whatever happens, he isnt 'him'. I dont love him. But who needs love and all its complications anyway, right? So I will continue with this as long as my conscience allows me to. After that, its goodbye, and perhaps for the best.

So, sitting here, in my sister's clothes (god knows how I managed to fit into that), I am happy, and just that. And even though I know this is temporary, and when I go back to Jaipur things will be mad and hectic again, I am content. After all, I have all I need at the moment. A family, boyfriend, a love, and a lot of friends who love me.

I smile, and for a change, dont feel guilty about it.

Merry Christmas, folks.

So, I am sitting in Mumbai, bored out of my wits (as my facebook status also says thankyouverymuch) and as I have absolutely NOTHING productive to do, I think I'll give another update to my blog.


Now, the last time I wrote, WHOA, was that a conflicted post or what. But, apparantly, "some" people found it touching (how on earth, I have NO clue). So, that has inspired me to write it again, this time, knowing that he wont check it out anymore.

This blog is what I always wanted it to be, a random place where I come, rant, and forget about it until I come back again. It isnt really a blog I want other people to see, more like a place which would show me in the future how I was in the past. Doesnt make sense? Ohwell, when have I ever made sense.

So, lets talk about what is currently happening in my life. So, I fought with my best friend, that too, over a guy (something I NEVER thought could happen). But, somehow, I dont feel guilty this time. Call me a selfish bitch, or just deranged, I REALLY didnt think I did anything wrong. Nope, not me this time. But then again, as I tell myself over and over again, it is just another year. After that, a new me. I can finally let go of all that I am here, the "image" I created of myself in the 11 years that I spent in the school. Also, I am quite enjoying not having to defer to my boyfriend. Hell, I like that. Makes for a nice change, having someone say "as you say" to whatever wish you might have, instead of it being the other way around. Ofcourse, like my inner self tells me, I wouldnt mind having to defer to my boyfriend had it been T, but as the main motive of THIS relationship is convenience, its quite okay.


Hell, I am changing, and it doesnt seem like its for the better.

Anyway, rambled enough.

So, I write in this blog after a long time, trying to clear up my mind which is SO messed up at the moment. At this very moment, there are two guys in my life, let's call them A and T. Now, both are really special to me, perhaps T a little more. Okay, the truth is that i, the stupid little idiot that I am, am in love with T. Now, that shouldnt really have mattered, but T, cant really commit to me now, because of various reasons which would make this blog too long to be written in one sitting. So me and T decided to remain best friends, and try to work out a solution ourselves. Which, I might add, wasnt very near in the cards. And today, a very fine day, in a moment of emotional conflict, I said yes to A. Now, let me introduce A. He used to be a VERY good friend of mine, but things came in between us (namely, my darling ex) and we drifted apart. Well, sortve. So out of all the people in the world, A was the least likely person for me to date. Coming back to the present, I am really worried about A. I dont want to hurt him, but I will end up doing that anyway, because I dont love him. Atleast, not now. But T tells me to keep up with the relationship, perhaps to have me off his back. Whatever it be, I've decided to stick with my decision of dating A, and seeing how things go. Who knows, (even though I doubt it much) it might spark a bit of jealousy in T, and see me in a different light. Till then, I'm in the middle of a game which seems like will hurt more than just A.

I feel like a bitch, now. -_-