It's been a while

As usual, it is someone else's blog that made me remember mine. Also general past. Also the fact that I REALLY am doing anything and everything possible to avoid studying for my end terms. But whatever.

Have I really changed since the last time I wrote this? Am I the same person two years ago, who lived in Jaipur, and watched TV to feel better, and made lots of really good friends over the 'internet'. I don't know, maybe. I still watch a lot of TV, that's still my go to place when I feel upset. I still care too much about my friends. Maybe I am the same.

But then I have changed too. I won't admit it EVER, if C says this to me, but I have, really. In the name of being non- judgmental  I have become morally ambivalent. Each to his own, I call it now. I need myself more now, more than ever. My constant need of being around people ALL THE TIME, maybe which came out of being an only child all my life has gone. I like being alone, being by myself. I still love to talk, but I can do without talking for a while too.

I am conflicted ALL the time. The choices I need to make, the choices I should make haunt me all the time. My constant need for drama seems to have subsided, though. And I still care too much about society, about what other people think of me. I still want to, NEED TO be the good person all the time.

People write off Bigg Boss, you know. Think its a bunch of random people doing excess drama, just to gain TRPs. And I am sure, most of it is the same. But people who write it off don't realize how much of human nature it truly shows. People turning their back on friends. People hurting each other in the same of 'speaking the truth'. Its all the truth. But like in real life, I have trailed off.

Coming back to my change. I have become crueller somehow, harsher. I say things now I would never have said 2 years ago. I eat a lot more, and have become MUCH more vain. And selfish too, probably. I can blame my college, everyone does so, law school makes you a schmuck in real life and so on. But somewhere I know, maybe, just maybe, even if the circumstances were the same, I would still be this girl.

In short, I've grown up. Become more cynical. Sometimes I miss the girl I was, socially awkward, scared to actually go talk to people, always saying the wrong thing when I did. And I see glimpses of that girl when I am sitting alone in the college TV room, flipping channels, trying to get away from the world that I now call my own.

Introspection

Aami bhule jai kake chaitam, aar tui kake bhalo bashti.

So poignant. So soulful. And yet so....unexplainable. This song is making me fall in love with itself. But not being able to explain the insanity is driving me crazy. Sort've like how I am feeling right now. Anger. Rage. Sadness. Jealousy. But why? Can't explain, not to save my life. I am rushing through emotions, 20,000 to a second, and can't take a moment to stop and ask why. I lean on his shoulder, trying to get comfort. But I don't, ever. Neither do anyone's words offer me comfort. Its only me who can comfort myself, and that too, fails. Sigh. And all this for something I didnt even want. Sigh. I shall go back to reading and listening to bong songs.

Ami rakhte chai na aar taar, kono raat dupur er aapdaar

Summer Rain

And its that time of the year again.

The time when I miss you. It was one of the BEST times of my life. Staying up late, talking, online. Discussing everything under the sun. Laughing, sharing secrets. And the rain. Always the rain. It came thundering down, at the wrong time. Very uncharacteristic. But there it was. In the background. Making me laugh, comforting me. It rained the night he finally decided to return too. It rained the night you made me choose. And if anything, that is one thing I will forever be grateful to you for. Getting me out of that mess. Ofcourse, I dropped myself right into another mess( which took a lot out of me too :P), but still.

It rains again and I miss you. I remember our times, and feel sad. But yes, if anything, it will always be a phase of my life when I was happy, as happy as I could be.

So I sit in the rain and smile.

Coming soon.

Not much to do, other than sit around and twiddle my thumbs. There's the theatre class, but THAT doesnt count, does it? :P

Sitting, watching Tv, and suddenly it strikes me that things perhaps wont EVER be the same again. No more "OMG its 6 have to make tea", and strangely, that brings a tear to my eye.

Sundays, no longer the same schedule. Lord knows what my schedule would be? No more special Sunday morning breakfasts, the dragging myself to study because I should, and running out to see TV all afternoon. And the more I think about it, the more it scares me. After all, its the unknown that is the scariest of it all, right? 

But the biggest thing that continues to scare the HELL out of me is how I'd manage without my baby. Or maybe I wont have to manage without him? I dont know. I wish we could have a perfect Sunday to us, just to us. Our day, when we would be able to give the other all the time that we deserve. THAT is what Sundays are supposed to be about, right?

But look at me there, I am rambling. Perhaps Salman Rushdie is rubbing off on me, yeah? :P

Distracted thoughts.

CLAT is on my head, and I cannot study. Kill me now. -_________-

I am panicking, and panicking some more. I dont know what will happen, where I will go, and its eating me up. But also something that is eating me up from inside is my friendships with people.

I have ALWAYS considered myself to be a people person, as someone who talks a lot and makes friends easily. Some who supports people when they need it, applauds when they do well, and console when life isnt that easy. But recently, I have begun to feel lonely. I dont know if I have any friends anymore, someone who stands with you whatever happens. I do have Chirag, and he means a lot, dont get me wrong, but I dont know. It just feels strange.

All my life, I have done things to be accepted. To be a part of the larger group, to always have people around me. But now when I stop and look around, I feel as if my fears are coming true, almost. I sit, and I have no one to go to, just, no one.

Other than Chirag, that is. He is one person who ALWAYS supports me, always handles me in the most perfect way ever. He is the one I can always depend on. But, I am scared of depending too much. Past and the world around has shown me, that people leave, and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Strangely, writing this makes me feel at peace.

Bazooka

And she is back.

Long overdue, arent I? :P Well, I dunno, my lazy ass doesnt want to get up and blog. I love writing, but somehow, blogging doesnt work out. Enough excuses anyway.

I saw another girl's posts today, and okay, was a little jealous, so I decided to write something myself. Shallow, but atleast I get to post. :D

So, what is on in my life? I seem to be getting closer to the time that I will be getting out of the place I've always wanted to get out of, and the thought is giving me pretty mixed emotions. Firstly, I am scare of planning ahead, when I dont even KNOW if I'll be able to go out, and where it will be. Second, I am TERRIFIED of what it will do to him and me, and though I am keeping my fingers crossed, I am as scared as him, if not more. I am completely mixed, and I dont know what to think. So I do what I know best, take it one day at a time. 

In other news, completely unrelated to me, Kasab got death penalty. Now, generally, I am completely FOR death penalty for those who cannot be redeemed, including rapists(the worst form of male domination I have ever seen), but in this case, I am much more for it. Not because I dont think he cant be redeemed, for he is just a poor brainwashed kid who was stupid enough to believe what others said, and saw it as a way for doing something with his life, but to simply establish ourselves as a "hard" country, like Israel and the like. That is my funda for avoiding terrorist attacks.

So, yes, now that I will be free more often, I think I will post more often too. I dont get ideas, but. :(

Dissatisfaction

Firstly, lets start with some of the things that give this blog its name, my famous rants.

So, my waist hurts,(is that the right word for it? well replace it with any version of "kamar" you prefer) and I have tests going on, continuously. Pissing me off, as I dont even do well in them. Hah.

Having finished with that, lets come to the point. Are we, as humans, ever satisfied? We get something, we want more. Like Maslow's Motivation Theory(Forgive me, too much BST. -_-). So, like all the others, I want something more. Lately, or more specifically yesterday, I realised how much I miss my male friends. Not in the romantic sense, but just in the lighthearted, bitchy sense. Making fun of others, talking about booze and stupid girls, all in all just the feeling of being "one of the guys" I'd begun to take for granted. I've NEVER looked at them romantically, and neither have they, I am sure. But being in a serious relationship sortve reminds you that you dont really have a right to that. You arent supposed to want the company of other males, your boyfriend should be enough. And enough he is. He is all my romantic side needs. He's a friend, a good lover, caring, everything. But I miss the carefree times, when I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and didnt have to worry about it hurting someone else.

I want my boyfriend AND my male friends, is that wanting too much? :(