It's been a while

As usual, it is someone else's blog that made me remember mine. Also general past. Also the fact that I REALLY am doing anything and everything possible to avoid studying for my end terms. But whatever.

Have I really changed since the last time I wrote this? Am I the same person two years ago, who lived in Jaipur, and watched TV to feel better, and made lots of really good friends over the 'internet'. I don't know, maybe. I still watch a lot of TV, that's still my go to place when I feel upset. I still care too much about my friends. Maybe I am the same.

But then I have changed too. I won't admit it EVER, if C says this to me, but I have, really. In the name of being non- judgmental  I have become morally ambivalent. Each to his own, I call it now. I need myself more now, more than ever. My constant need of being around people ALL THE TIME, maybe which came out of being an only child all my life has gone. I like being alone, being by myself. I still love to talk, but I can do without talking for a while too.

I am conflicted ALL the time. The choices I need to make, the choices I should make haunt me all the time. My constant need for drama seems to have subsided, though. And I still care too much about society, about what other people think of me. I still want to, NEED TO be the good person all the time.

People write off Bigg Boss, you know. Think its a bunch of random people doing excess drama, just to gain TRPs. And I am sure, most of it is the same. But people who write it off don't realize how much of human nature it truly shows. People turning their back on friends. People hurting each other in the same of 'speaking the truth'. Its all the truth. But like in real life, I have trailed off.

Coming back to my change. I have become crueller somehow, harsher. I say things now I would never have said 2 years ago. I eat a lot more, and have become MUCH more vain. And selfish too, probably. I can blame my college, everyone does so, law school makes you a schmuck in real life and so on. But somewhere I know, maybe, just maybe, even if the circumstances were the same, I would still be this girl.

In short, I've grown up. Become more cynical. Sometimes I miss the girl I was, socially awkward, scared to actually go talk to people, always saying the wrong thing when I did. And I see glimpses of that girl when I am sitting alone in the college TV room, flipping channels, trying to get away from the world that I now call my own.

Introspection

Aami bhule jai kake chaitam, aar tui kake bhalo bashti.

So poignant. So soulful. And yet so....unexplainable. This song is making me fall in love with itself. But not being able to explain the insanity is driving me crazy. Sort've like how I am feeling right now. Anger. Rage. Sadness. Jealousy. But why? Can't explain, not to save my life. I am rushing through emotions, 20,000 to a second, and can't take a moment to stop and ask why. I lean on his shoulder, trying to get comfort. But I don't, ever. Neither do anyone's words offer me comfort. Its only me who can comfort myself, and that too, fails. Sigh. And all this for something I didnt even want. Sigh. I shall go back to reading and listening to bong songs.

Ami rakhte chai na aar taar, kono raat dupur er aapdaar

Summer Rain

And its that time of the year again.

The time when I miss you. It was one of the BEST times of my life. Staying up late, talking, online. Discussing everything under the sun. Laughing, sharing secrets. And the rain. Always the rain. It came thundering down, at the wrong time. Very uncharacteristic. But there it was. In the background. Making me laugh, comforting me. It rained the night he finally decided to return too. It rained the night you made me choose. And if anything, that is one thing I will forever be grateful to you for. Getting me out of that mess. Ofcourse, I dropped myself right into another mess( which took a lot out of me too :P), but still.

It rains again and I miss you. I remember our times, and feel sad. But yes, if anything, it will always be a phase of my life when I was happy, as happy as I could be.

So I sit in the rain and smile.

Coming soon.

Not much to do, other than sit around and twiddle my thumbs. There's the theatre class, but THAT doesnt count, does it? :P

Sitting, watching Tv, and suddenly it strikes me that things perhaps wont EVER be the same again. No more "OMG its 6 have to make tea", and strangely, that brings a tear to my eye.

Sundays, no longer the same schedule. Lord knows what my schedule would be? No more special Sunday morning breakfasts, the dragging myself to study because I should, and running out to see TV all afternoon. And the more I think about it, the more it scares me. After all, its the unknown that is the scariest of it all, right? 

But the biggest thing that continues to scare the HELL out of me is how I'd manage without my baby. Or maybe I wont have to manage without him? I dont know. I wish we could have a perfect Sunday to us, just to us. Our day, when we would be able to give the other all the time that we deserve. THAT is what Sundays are supposed to be about, right?

But look at me there, I am rambling. Perhaps Salman Rushdie is rubbing off on me, yeah? :P

Distracted thoughts.

CLAT is on my head, and I cannot study. Kill me now. -_________-

I am panicking, and panicking some more. I dont know what will happen, where I will go, and its eating me up. But also something that is eating me up from inside is my friendships with people.

I have ALWAYS considered myself to be a people person, as someone who talks a lot and makes friends easily. Some who supports people when they need it, applauds when they do well, and console when life isnt that easy. But recently, I have begun to feel lonely. I dont know if I have any friends anymore, someone who stands with you whatever happens. I do have Chirag, and he means a lot, dont get me wrong, but I dont know. It just feels strange.

All my life, I have done things to be accepted. To be a part of the larger group, to always have people around me. But now when I stop and look around, I feel as if my fears are coming true, almost. I sit, and I have no one to go to, just, no one.

Other than Chirag, that is. He is one person who ALWAYS supports me, always handles me in the most perfect way ever. He is the one I can always depend on. But, I am scared of depending too much. Past and the world around has shown me, that people leave, and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Strangely, writing this makes me feel at peace.

Bazooka

And she is back.

Long overdue, arent I? :P Well, I dunno, my lazy ass doesnt want to get up and blog. I love writing, but somehow, blogging doesnt work out. Enough excuses anyway.

I saw another girl's posts today, and okay, was a little jealous, so I decided to write something myself. Shallow, but atleast I get to post. :D

So, what is on in my life? I seem to be getting closer to the time that I will be getting out of the place I've always wanted to get out of, and the thought is giving me pretty mixed emotions. Firstly, I am scare of planning ahead, when I dont even KNOW if I'll be able to go out, and where it will be. Second, I am TERRIFIED of what it will do to him and me, and though I am keeping my fingers crossed, I am as scared as him, if not more. I am completely mixed, and I dont know what to think. So I do what I know best, take it one day at a time. 

In other news, completely unrelated to me, Kasab got death penalty. Now, generally, I am completely FOR death penalty for those who cannot be redeemed, including rapists(the worst form of male domination I have ever seen), but in this case, I am much more for it. Not because I dont think he cant be redeemed, for he is just a poor brainwashed kid who was stupid enough to believe what others said, and saw it as a way for doing something with his life, but to simply establish ourselves as a "hard" country, like Israel and the like. That is my funda for avoiding terrorist attacks.

So, yes, now that I will be free more often, I think I will post more often too. I dont get ideas, but. :(

Dissatisfaction

Firstly, lets start with some of the things that give this blog its name, my famous rants.

So, my waist hurts,(is that the right word for it? well replace it with any version of "kamar" you prefer) and I have tests going on, continuously. Pissing me off, as I dont even do well in them. Hah.

Having finished with that, lets come to the point. Are we, as humans, ever satisfied? We get something, we want more. Like Maslow's Motivation Theory(Forgive me, too much BST. -_-). So, like all the others, I want something more. Lately, or more specifically yesterday, I realised how much I miss my male friends. Not in the romantic sense, but just in the lighthearted, bitchy sense. Making fun of others, talking about booze and stupid girls, all in all just the feeling of being "one of the guys" I'd begun to take for granted. I've NEVER looked at them romantically, and neither have they, I am sure. But being in a serious relationship sortve reminds you that you dont really have a right to that. You arent supposed to want the company of other males, your boyfriend should be enough. And enough he is. He is all my romantic side needs. He's a friend, a good lover, caring, everything. But I miss the carefree times, when I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and didnt have to worry about it hurting someone else.

I want my boyfriend AND my male friends, is that wanting too much? :(

I ramble, yet again.

I mean to write more often, really. But then, life doesnt always let you do what you mean to, right?

I mean to make him happy, I really do, but I dont. I mean to do well in my studies, I really do, but I dont. I mean to be a good friend, but, yep, you guessed it, I dont.

I am an attention whore, as I discovered yesterday. I like attention. I want people telling me that they like me, maybe because I dont have confidence in myself? When he's with me, he's all I need, truly. But when he's upset, I find myself whoring myself to the world. He's right, I am a slut. Emotional, perhaps, because the physicality of things doesnt interest me. Never has. Ohwell, except when I'm with him. He takes out the other side of me, one which I didnt know existed. One which makes me moan with pleasure, and blush at suggestive remarks. But we're moving away from the topic.

I'm not good for him, and it doesnt take a genius to figure that out. I dont treat him right, the way he should be treated, and I doubt if I can ever become the "girl" he wants me to be. I'm not the typical girl. But I am selfish, and I wont give him up. I wont let him go away, go to someone else who might see how wonderful he is, and how he is perfect in every way possible. In intellect, in care and in bed. Every way.

Maybe if I try, you know, I can become that girl he wants, and loves. His little baby. And god knows I will try, because the future I see with him, is too much to give up. I can give up everything in my life, but a chance at future, that life. I know I'm probably too young, but when have I not planned for the future, eh?

This train of though is not coherent in any form, it just gives me a chance to write, or type, in this case. Just put into words what my mind is saying, so that it doesnt burst.

You'll take me back like you always do, wont you baby?

Loneliness or Solitude?

I'm alone, and not by choice.

My mother, fails to understand me, maybe, or just likes to remain angry. Whichever it is, I dont particularly aim to sort things out. Nope, don't feel like that.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, DEFINITELY doesn't understand. Or maybe he does, and cant control his emotions. Usually, I understand most things, but in this case, I don't. Maybe I'm more tolerant about things than he is. But yes, things I wouldn't consider wrong if he did it, aren't wrong if I do them. For sure.

Maybe I'll begin to enjoy the solitude.

Its new year, folks.

Another year goes past.

Most people expect this post to be a looking into the past year kinda post, but nope, isnt about that this time. More or less, its as usual, about this stupid boy I've given my heart to.

I push him out of the house for the party, I tell him to stay put, I all in all bully him into  "liking" the party, but when he's gone, all I want is for him to be back. Whenever he comes back for me, I pretend to be angry, and scold him for not socialising enough. But, truth be told, that's what I'm always wishing for. Him with me. 

I push him because its good for him, and I dont want to be selfish. But that doesnt mean I've to like it. :P

Its new years again, and once again, I'm alone. Not miserable, though.

He will come back before midnight, hai na?

The special day

Today, for a change, was a very special day for me. I went to his home, and loved it there. It almost felt like my home. His mom was awesome, much like I expected, prettier than I thought. His dad, well, he talks less, and I'm a bit scared of him, but I'm sure he's nice, and fun to be with, in general. His kid brother, was EXACTLY how I imagined him. Full of life, energy, and just ultimate fun. A kid, by all means. Exactly like me. :P

And then there was him, by my side the entire time, supporting me, helping him, telling me that I'm doing good. Stealing kisses when no one was looking, and trying to play footsie under the table. Flirting with Aditi because he KNEW how much it annoyed me, and just being him all the time. He was perfect.

But then, so was the house, right? It felt like a home, with the low seating in front of the tv that I love, and just the entire atmosphere. I fell in love with it, sortve like I fell in love with mami's house. But then again, I really liked the people inside it, how could I not like the house? xD

So, special day, big day for me. I'm trying to calm myself down by writing this blog, by ridding myself of the need to talk about the day, but I'm not sure if it'll work.

I love you baby, and I love your home as much.

Coming home.

Coming back after a break of around 3 days, I expected to be refreshed, but am not. Same old dad yelling at me to study, no mum back yet ( For a change, I'm NOT thankful for that) and the same old life. I'd thought that I would miss home, and be happy to be back but the only thing I'm actually happy about is being back to you. Maybe home IS where the heart is. Even though we fight like cats and dogs, every two days, we know, that we're all that either of us has. 

Both, have different homes, different families, different friends, different likes and dislikes, and different, even clashing personalities, but, at the end of the day, we're everything for each other. We're lost without the other being at our side, watching us, and how much ever we fight, we know that we wont even know how to move on without the other. Both of us are so woven into each other, that now its tough to say where one ends and the other begins. We're each others parents, kids, doctors, enemies, but, above all, we're best friends. We know the other's flaws like the back of our hands, and yet, we continue being with the other person, because flaws do not make a person bad, they just make him more human. If we were to list our differences, we wouldnt find a paper long enough, but our similarities begin and end at the fact that we love each other a lot.

This para was concieved while sitting in the bus, looking out of the window and tightly hugging pintu

Unrequited love

Unrequited love. Does it really exist? Or maybe its just another way to hurt yourself more, to delude yourself, and help to see ourselves as tragic heroes or heroines in our mind's eye. No doubt, it hurts, but as a question once put up by my darling ex, "Is it really love if its one sided?" Now, as prone as I am to disagree with whatever he says, but for once, he actually had a point. Love, as we know it, has to be from both sides. One sided love is either a crush, or a major infatuation.

Going through the same motions as my topic suggests for about a year, I think I know a decent amount on the subject. It's a time when you carefully look for signs that the other person loves you, and sometimes if you dont find them, you create them. You wish so hard, that at times you actually start believing your wishes.

One sided love, most of the times, ends in a heartbreak. Almost all the people going through these feelings undergo a period of extreme hatred followed by a mellowing down of emotions. With time, we learn to laugh about it, but the hurt takes a long time to go away. The best thing that one can do in such a situation is to accept the facts and move on. I know it seems really hard at first, but hey, you gotta do it sometime.

One of the WORST things you can do is be "best friends" with the person you love. Who are you fooling, there is nothing "friendly" about the way you feel about him/her. Trust me, doesnt work. If anything, hurts more, and the person you love, starts taking you for granted. Been there, done that buddy. Distancing yourself is the only thing that helps, provided you have enough things to hide behind and an awesome friend system. Its important to feel comfortable and warm, and to understand that life can function normally, even without that person.

So, my friends, stay away from unrequited love, because in the end, the only person getting hurt is you.

Is love enough?

The last time, I talked about love, and what it meant for me and a few others. But this time, lets talk in continuation to that, is love enough? We love a lot of people, and say I love you, without really meaning it. But lets ignore all the times you said "I love you, man" to someone for getting you a cup of coffee. Lets talk about the times you really mean it, and love someone with all your heart. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? Is it right that every time one goofs up, you say "I love you" and hope everything will be fine again?

There is no set answer to this question, no correct answer. Like everything related with love, it is subjective, and means different things for different people. And as usual, I speak just for me when I say, no, it isn't enough. Yes, loving is a huge part of a relationship, integral even, but is it every thing? Nope. Respect for one another, listening to one another, trusting one another, and even liking one another is a major part of any relationship. Ofcourse, many of you might say that when you love a person all this comes naturally, but many a times it doesn't. We need to work for it. And, I'm sure all of you agree, that when we love a person, we accept him/her WITH his faults. But do you agree with his faults? Does it make those faults more appealing to you? I doubt. Ofcourse, you dont mind them in your partner, but do you not mind them in the world? Yes, maybe you do.

Love binds us, but it takes a lot of work to hold a relationship together. So yeah, at the risk of sounding like a debate, love isnt enough, not until coupled with respect and understanding, with a little sprinkling of the ability to listen.

P.S. This idea was conceived of my Chirag Jain, my awesome friend, and I just embroidered it a bit. I dont intend to steal, no way. :P

love, and its definitions.

Come, let me tell you a little secret. Tofu, is in love with a boy. But, what is love? Is it staying up nights talking and giggling just because you want to? Or is it helping him out with his project, because you want the best for him? Or probably it is waiting for his phonecall, and missing him all the time you arent talking to him or texting him. Or maybe, its none of this, and its an illusion created by marketeers to sell more chocolate ice-creams. :P

To me, love is trust, faith, unconditional belief in a person, which gets shaken only with some difficulty. Now, I agree, most people view love differently, and maybe they're right. Love is subjective, after all.

So, whatever maybe the definition of love to her, and whether her love believes it or not, she loves him. Unconditionally, the way a puppy loves his master. And she will continue loving him long after he is gone. Left her, not dead, that is. :P

Love, is unexplainable.

Hurting, at times. :P

Someone once said, " The only people who can hurt you are the people you give that power to". I had honestly thought whatever power I had given to you, was taken back, but no, you still have the power to hurt me even when you dont try. Things arent the same again, the way they were in 11th grade. My entire friend circle has changed, if I have one anymore, that is. xD People have started drifting apart, or maybe its just me. But, whatever be the case, I'm just not friends with the same people anymore. And it hurts, at times, but then again, I'm to blame, for most things.

I try to be good. A good student, debater, quizzer, friend, girlfriend, daughter and a good human being. But lately, all this has been getting to me. "Its too much!", my mind says in a whiny little voice, reminiscent of a certain someone. :P

I've stayed up nights, talking to you about YOUR dreams, YOUR goals, trying to be your support throughout. But probably it would have helped if I were a bitch to you, and hotter, probably. Maybe, that would get you to run behind me the way you do to her. I've done a lot in the past year, and I'm done. Finished. I just cant run behind people anymore. I'm tired. I just, want someone to look after me for a change. And god knows I have found that person. I'm just, not going to leave him now.

So life is mixed my friends, for one good thing, at times you have to give up a lot of others, which turns out to be bad.

But then, that is life.

Closing up

And once again, I've managed to mess up everything, lost everything dear to me. For the first time in my life, I've drawn inside, not wanting to share my hurt with anyone else, and ended up hurting people further. I know I'm not a good person. I've failed as a friend, a girlfriend, and for a change, even as a student. I couldnt manage anything, and hurt the very people who loved me the most. Closing up, shutting everyone down didnt work at all, but instead landed me here, where I've got nothing to do but apologise. Every time, every single time I've turned selfish, it has backfired on me. Yesterday, in the rain, I felt as if all my troubles would wash away if I stood out for a long time. But, nothing happened. Instead, I fucked up the only thing that is keeping me sane. The only person who loves me unconditionaly. I want to make things okay but dont know how. I dont know how to do anything anymore. So, I go back to closing up. Maybe, this way, I'll hurt fewer people, and make their lives easier.

That rainy day

Water around everywhere. Holding a blue umbrella. Wading through the knee high water. Being drenched to the skin. Looking at him, cant stop giggling, shivering all the way through. Holding on to each other, inspite of our wetness. Trying to warm each other up. More water and tangled limbs. Sweat droplets mix with the rainwater and glisten. Raindrops trickling down our backs. Hands everywhere. Kisses, sometimes leisurely, sometimes urgent. Holding each other close, trying to make the other more comfortable. And then, slowly, warming up and the water evaporating. Coming close. Closer. But, time to go home honey. Goodbye kiss. And soon, nothing's the same again, other than this day.

May this day never go away.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, you don't know of a way to tell the people you love the most how much you actually love them. Sometimes, you just dont know if the decisions you're taking are right or wrong. Sometimes, you turn so selfish, that nobody else's hurt matters but yours. Sometimes, you find yourself incapable of giving back the love you recieve equally. Sometimes, you want to keep a little bit of it back for yourself, and save it for a rainy day. Sometimes, the truth hurts more than the lies. Sometimes, regret is so deep rooted in your heart that there isnt place for anything else. Sometimes, all the sorrys in the world arent enough. Sometimes, you want to know when you became that cold. Sometimes, you want to turn back the clock and change situations. And sometimes, just, sometimes, things get better, and the both of you emerge together, stronger this time.


I just wish that sometime comes soon.

Being a child and never growing up.

Just a few days ago, sitting in a class in vocab fiesta, we had a small discussion about the difference between being childish, and childlike. "What's the difference?", I wondered. Negative and positive connotations, I was told. Apparently, being childish is negative, while being childlike is a good thing. And this got me thinking, which of them am I, childlike, or childish?

I've been called a kid a lot, by nearly all people who know me well. And why not, after all I wave and get excited on seeing aeroplanes fly real low, get completely dripping wet in the rains intentionally, sing obscure bollywood songs just to annoy the hell out of others( Dil dance maare, anyone? xD), talk loudly and laugh even louder, and basically skip and dance around everywhere. And it is this, that keeps me sane at times, and happy almost all the time. People close to me know it, understand it, and tolerate it, if not actually like it at times.

I would want to call these sudden fits being childlike, others may call it my childishness, my refusal to grow up. But whatever it is, it has become a part and parcel of who I am, and me and my childishness come in a package deal, baby. :P


P.S. This blog was inspired by a person who likes calling me a kid at all times. xD

P.P.S. Also, I've begun to blog again, thanks to the same person. :)